Tuesday, June 30, 2015
I have often said that I want to know what love is. I was so sure that I’ve never felt it before. In light of recent incidents, I’ve come to the realization that I do know what it is. I’ve known for a long time.
Two weeks ago, I lost my grandmother, Grandma Brenda. She was my granddad’s 5th wife, but I knew of her outside of my actual biological grandmama. I remember that Grandma Brenda was pretty, quiet, and nice. I’ve never heard her raise her voice. At her wake and funeral, other people also thought that she was quiet. I have heard that when she did speak, she meant what she said. I also remember that often, Grandma Brenda would come over to bring me something, or just come to talk to my Grandmama (my mother’s mother; my granddad’s first wife). I thought it odd or weird then that the former wife had a friendly relationship with the current wife. I then learned that that was part of being an adult. Grandmama didn’t have a problem with Brenda, and Brenda didn’t have an issue with Grandmama. She (Grandmama) did have a problem with my granddad. I digress.
I remember some fond memories of my Grandma Brenda. She, at times, would pick me up from school and babysit me until my Grandmama got off work. One of my memories of her is giving me a cup of Blue Bell Vanilla ice cream. She would stir it up until it was smooth. As a kid, I often wondered how she got it to have that consistency. The things you learn as an adult. J I also remember her giving me Cheerios, with a little sugar sprinkled over them. I still eat them like that to this day. I remember once when I was younger, she took me to her job. AllState was having some kind of function. I believe it was bring your child to work day or something. I went with her. When she was laid off, she started her own baking business, “Brenda’s Cakes & ‘Moore’”. I would often go with her to cake shops and bakeries. I didn’t realize until I started typing this out, that I spent a lot of time with Grandma Brenda as a kid.
Just last week, I lost my uncle, Billy, to cancer. We had his funeral Monday. While there, I was thinking back to the Thomas family. On the screens at the funeral, it was showing a slideshow of pictures of him and the family. There was one picture where it was my grandmama, Lillian, Uncle Poochie, (Walter) Aunt Dorothy, and great-grandmother, Easter. All are now deceased. I remember being over at Murdear’s (Easter’s) house. Now there, I felt love. You were surrounded by it—immersed in it. There was no way that you could enter into that house and not feel the calming warmth that dwelled there. No matter who it was, you always felt that someone in that house genuinely cared for you. I didn’t know it at the time, and didn’t realize it until yesterday, but I already knew what love was. I’ve felt it damn near my entire life. My problem, along with a lot of other people is we have an idea of what love is. We may already have it, but don’t realize it when it is in front of our faces. I never had so many thoughts that made me smile until this past weekend.
You know, at times I think that I am incapable of that. Loving I mean. I just think that I’m so jaded at times, that I’m incapable of showing or receiving love. I blame myself for that. I’ve shut myself off and guarded myself. But the truth is, I want to love someone like I was growing up. Having someone know that I have their best intentions at heart. I will try to remember the love I had growing up and see if there's still a part of me left that is capable of showing that to others. I will try.
What kind of love are you looking for?
Friday, June 26, 2015
Today, the Supreme Court ruled that ALL people have a right to marry. I then proceeded to social media (which was a super huge mistake on my part. I admit that.) and saw that my Facebook feed was littered with statuses both positive and negative about it. I normally don't comment or post on hot-button issues because I honestly don't have time or the patience to defend my views to some bigoted and closed minded, hateful people. I am all for people having their own thoughts, but some of the statuses and comments were just truly ridiculous.
People that I've known for over ten years, spewing hatred. Not thoughts, no ideas, just straight hatred, and my thought is why?
Why is there so much hatred and outrage for people who want to express one thing: Love
How is it hurting you? Of course we all hear from the bible thumpers that express how it is a sin. The last time I checked, all sin was equal. For all sin, the wage is death. What makes this one so unforgivable? How do you console yourself with your consistent premarital sex that resulted in multiple children by people that you aren't married to or are married to others? I'll wait.
My point is: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I didn't think that getting married was hurting anyone. Apparently, according to people on Facebook, Jesus is coming back, and the world is going to end.
It also seems that a lot of people that have problems with same sex marriages (or at least the ones that were on my feed) are unmarried, never have been married, and have bastard children. Us getting married isn't going to stop you from doing so. Since the sanctity of marriage is so important to you, why haven't you married that one you've been messing around with for 3 years plus? It's okay for people like Kim Kardashian, Elizabeth Taylor (who has been married 8 times to seven husbands) and Brittney Spears to marry multiple times and not be seen as destroying the sanctity of marriage. However, two consenting adults who have been together for years are finally allowed to be married, and everyone loses their freaking minds. Get off it.
Do you know that only 48 years ago, a discussion like this arose about interracial marriages? That's right. Interracial marriage has been legal in all states for only 48 years. When this was signed into law by the Supreme Court, did stars fall? Did the mountains crumble? Did the trumpets sound, and rivers turn to blood? Hell no. Why? Because love doesn't hurt anybody. If two gays getting married really offends you like that, then you might want to look within yourself because you might have some homo tendencies there, buddy.
I've mentioned before that I don't think of myself as the marrying type. Once upon a time, I did but have let go of that thought. Today, however, I actually have hope that I will one day again entertain the notion of sharing the remainder of my life with someone. Maybe it took something like this to spark that desire again. Who knows.
I do want to leave you with an assignment. I want you to comment and let me know where in the NEW TESTAMENT that is says that God is against homosexuality. I know that there are some passages in the Old Testament, but we're not living in the Old Testament, are we? We are in the New. That was the reason why Jesus came. If he didn't, we'd still be offering sacrifices of doves, bulls, and rams. Think on that.
Until next time....
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Okay, so I have a serious problem. Well, not super serious, but whatever. It seems as though I’m always attracted to people that I can’t have. This has been since childhood on. Maybe it’s the thought of attaining the unattainable or something. I don’t know. Anyway, I've developed this super huge crush on this guy, and it’s been like six years. I’m drawn to this guy for a number of reasons. Primarily, he makes me laugh. Someone told me that I was a nurturer and I can see that with the types of guys that I fall for. They need help in some kind of capacity. One of them, I’m amazed has made it through life, but that’s another story. There’s a lot that I know of the guy in question, and even with this information I find myself asking “Why?” Why do I like this guy? Why am I crushing so hard and for so long? Especially when I know that he’s not the best. I mean, he currently cheats; a lot. That’s the main negative quality that I’m willing to say.
I do have a question: Are relationships based on compromise and what you’re willing to put up with? For instance, the guy I like. If we were to get into a relationship, I would pretty much be condoning his actions and allowing him to cheat. His spouse must be a very forgiving person and accepts this as a part of who he is. That brings me to the point of this post. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Yes, I see him and I see all the good qualities. He’s a good dad, musically inclined, handsome, attractive, has a nice personality. He even goes to church (how much good it actually does is debatable, but that’s neither here nor there.) He sounds like a stand up guy—a good catch, right? Well, there’s gotta be a catch somewhere, and his catch is infidelity. He cannot, or will not be faithful to one person. Knowing this, if the opportunity ever presented itself to be with him, (and keep in mind, this is a big ass fuckin’ IF) I wouldn't be able to handle him going out cheating all the time.
Maybe this is a message to the sidelines or something, I don’t know. I really don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s just something that randomly came to mind.
Y’all have a good day and I’ll talk to you soon.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
So… Remember my earlier post about a certain friend? Well that friendship is no longer. ***BE WARNED this is going to be a very LONG post, so if you don’t have the patience, exit now.***
Names have been changed so that I’m not totally putting his business out there.
I met my Darryl through an app, Jack’d if you must know and saw that he had other social media listed such as his instagram. I then started following him there. On his birthday one year, I left a comment stating that I’d like to buy him a drink. We ended up exchanging numbers and then exchanged the occasional text, still never meeting. One day, I texted him asking how his day was going in which he replied bad. His temporary assignment has ended and he was now without a job. He also stated that he was extremely stressed and didn’t know what to do. I then told him to forward his resume to me and I’ll see what I can do. I then forward his resume to my former supervisor and stated that he’d be great for the job because he has prior call center experience, and his assignment ended and he was not “terminated.” She took his resume, forwarded it to HR, they called him in for an interview, and boom! He got a job with us.
I finally met him for the first time his first day of training. Our communication got stronger and pretty soon we were texting every day. He would discuss his problems with me, I would discuss my issues, we would visit each other… friend shit. He then tells me about his goddaughter, Reagan. He stated that her mother, Brenda, was thinking of giving her up. I’ve always wanted kids. I even got licensed through the state to become a foster/adoptive parent. I met the little girl a couple of months later and instantly fell in love with her. I got the opportunity to play with her more often as she was over his house and I visited. I got her for the weekend once, and I took her to my mom’s house and the family went crazy over her. We then went to the aquarium and made a whole day of it. I expressed my interest to my friend that if her mom was serious about it, I would strongly consider adopting her. He stated okay. About a week later, he states that the mom doesn't want to give her up now, because she and her husband, Christopher, which happens to be a good friend of Darryl’s. I said fine. Christopher then states that he is divorcing Brenda, and moves in with Darryl and his boyfriend Jamal. Confused yet?
I noticed then that my interactions with Reagan were less and less. As a matter of fact, I haven’t seen Reagan since Christopher moved in. Christopher then stated that he would try to make things work with Brenda, just to call it quits two weeks later. Brenda then discovers that she was pregnant. She was five months in and had no knowledge that she was knocked up. She ended up going to the doctor, and the doctor informed her that the child had a heart defect. She was then thinking of terminating the pregnancy. So, I thought well if she doesn’t want it, then I’ll just adopt that one. I informed Darryl of that, and he stated that he would speak with Brenda. He then informs me a few days later, that Brenda said she would keep the baby. All right. Shit.
Come to find out that the baby actually died in utero, and she was going to have a procedure done to remove the baby. This was done, and the baby was a boy. Christopher and Brenda then ended up back together. Then Darryl informed me that Christopher and Brenda wanted to have a talk with Darryl because they wanted to try for another baby, and give it to him. I’ll admit, I did have some anger that may have been displaced. In my opinion, Darryl didn’t need another child running around the house. He already had his niece that he has shared custody of as well as his three other god children. He himself has stated that. I eventually let that go, and continued on. (they eventually decided to not have the baby for him because yet again, Christopher has called it quits with Brenda) I then notice little comments he would make about how Reagan was there, this that and the other. I’ve on multiple occasions stated that if she was there, let me know because I want to see her etc. It just always conveniently slips his mind. (I’m eventually getting to the point)
Darryl ended up going to the doctor and having surgery. I visited him as soon as he got home, and pretty much every day since then for the following two months. I also made dinner for him and Jamal and Christopher on an occasion. I also ran some errands for him to ensure that he didn’t get out before his time, you know, being a friend. (mind you when I was sick he not once came over to my place to see how he could help or whatever. ) He informs me later on sometime in January that his real good friend, Marvin (who is Christopher’s brother) was being released from jail. I say oh, okay and didn’t think too much of it. I then ask what will they be doing for Reagan’s birthday, because I stated that I would like to do something for her, whether it’s put money on it or something. He stated that it would be between Chuck e. Cheese or something else. He then stated that Brenda said that they wanted to do a private party at Darryl’s home because she “doesn’t want to deal with a bunch of people and frankly neither do I.” Seeing as how I wasn’t invited to the Christmas program to see Reagan, citing that it was due to a certain amount of tickets to go see her, and those were given to family supposedly. I feel that I was being lied to, but I left it alone.
Early February, Marvin was released from jail. Darryl stated that he had to go get Reagan from school because she wasn't feeling well. He states that he hated to get her out in the weather (at the time it was cold and rainy) but he had to because he had errands to run that day and the rest of the week. I then stated that I didn't have any classes that week, so I can go ahead and take off and watch her while he runs the errands. He then said that he will get back with me and let me know. It was getting later on in the day and I texted him to see what the plan was so that I can put the days in. He then stated that his mother could watch her. Okay… but she couldn’t watch her when he was running errands. She doesn't work. Then he lets the truth slip. Marvin who was released from jail, who Reagan has never met because he’s been in jail long before she was even alive, was watching her… okay. My thoughts were why when you have someone who she knows and whom I’m sure would be more comfortable with was available to care for her? Okay. I can really see where this is going.
I promise I’m getting to it now:
So, today I get a text from Darryl asking if I was going to a mutual co-worker’s birthday party. I informed Darryl that no, I wasn’t because I was not invited and I didn’t know about it. He then proceeds to tell me that he may go depending on how things go with Reagan’s party this weekend… Err… what? Okay. So you were planning on having Reagan’s party this weekend and you did not notify me. He then proceeds to say that he may move it because this weekend, it is supposed to sleet and snow. He also said that he sent out invites and everything. I guess mine got lost in the mail. He then says that the crisis is adverted because he is just going to move it to next weekend, and Jamal is going to take him out of town this weekend to see his best friend. The wheels in my head start turning because I feel that this is bullshit. I don’t even bother responding to the text. What I’m really thinking is “bitch ain’t nobody stupid. You’re gonna have the party this weekend and using that lame ass excuse as an alibi because you done fucked up and let me know that she was having a birthday party and that you did not invite me.” So I wonder what lie he comes up with, when I ask if I could go the party next weekend.
What it all boils down to is, I don’t think that her parents want me around her. I reached out to him, it was confirmed. They thought that I was getting too close to her, and it put him in a position. He claimed that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Do I portray such a magnitude of weakness that I could be that easily brought down? I mean, yes, it sucks but hey, it is their right as her parents to say who they want around their child. My issue is if this is the case, then TELL ME! Don’t beat around the bush and be like “Oh, you just missed her,” and bull like that. I don’t appreciate that. I am the type of person where I’m going to be blunt, direct and honest. I expect you, as my friend, to do the damn same. That’s just how I feel. If we’re going to be friends, we should have that type of openness where things can be discussed like I discussed this shit with him. So, that’s it in a nutshell. We fell out because you couldn’t be upfront with me. There are other things, but that’s the main thing. I got to thinking, is it me? Am I just that bad to be around or that messed up that you feel that you can’t talk to me, or invite me places? He stated that me being that close put him in a position because he was godfather, and I understand that so in order to get him out of that position and un-complicate things, I'll remove myself. Like seriously. What the fuck? Well, whatever.
I’m over it now. #unbothered.
Thank you so much for sticking with me during all that. Talk to y’all later.
Friday, February 27, 2015
You know, I definitely feel as though I add more value to people’s lives than they add to mine. I've come to a decision to end a friendship. I figure that if you’re really friends, you can and should be upfront and honest with people; especially those that you call / consider your friends. Right? Well, I have a situation where I feel the other person isn't being direct with me. I feel that they have been lying to me and withholding information. After this weekend, I will see if I can catch them in the lie. If I don’t, I will voice my grievances and then allow them to retort. If I feel that they are still being dishonest, I’ll sever all ties. I’m the type of person where I am very blunt and direct. Maybe this is to a fault. Maybe some people can’t handle my directness and think that I would jump off the deep end or something like that. I may be high strung, but come on; I am an adult.
Maybe after everything, I’ll tell you the whole story. Right now, I’m just a little too pissed to. Just know that I’m not only losing one, but two friends.
It’s kind of weird because you do a lot for your friends, and for this one, I really did. It’s not as though I’m asking for any accolades or pats on the back because I believe that when you are a friend and you do things, it should be genuine without looking for something in return, but GODDAMN! Give me a little credit and a little respect for our friendship. I believe that I’m a dang good friend to those I consider friends so to be lied to repeatedly (allegedly) and treated with blatant disregards for my feelings just has me like what the fuck? Like seriously, what the everlasting fuck?
Also, it’s a good thing that I’m not how I used to be. I could be a very dangerous person. I don’t mean dangerous in a physical sorts even though it would be nothing for me to hurt someone—BACK THEN… back then. I’m semi changed now, but no. I could be a dangerous person with information. I just don’t want to do that. It’s not in me anymore. I just really hope that they realize what a good friend in me they had. Now if I was in the wrong in any capacity, I wouldn't mind, hell I’d appreciate it more, if people will tell me. It wouldn't be nothing to say, “Hey you were fucked up for that,” or something. We’re all adults, and if we are the friends that we say we are, then it shouldn't be a problem. I definitely don’t have a problem with telling someone they were wrong or that they handled something incorrectly. I don’t know. It’s just a little jacked up.
Anyway… Thanks for listening to me whine. I’ll have an update for you guys Wednesday. Or Monday if I have confirmation. Anyways...
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Well today is Wednesday, and I’m keeping with my personal goals. I said that I will start back to doing my internet radio show on Sunday nights at 5:00 p.m. CST (central standard time) The link if anyone wants to start listening is www.blogtalkradio.com/mtmoore31 I also said that I will update the blog weekly on Wednesdays, so expect some random and bullshit posts. I also said that I’ll be making YouTube videos again. I used to have a lot and then deleted them all and just got out of the mood of doing it. I think that I’m really trying to keep myself busy and preoccupied with other things. Or maybe I’m just trying some low-key ways of fulfilling something that has been lacking. Let me tell you about this dream I had.
I dreamt that I was at work, and I was talking to my supervisor (which is weird because I don’t talk to her like that.) Any way, I had expressed to her that what I really wanted to do most in the whole world was act. I've always wanted to be an actor. I transform when I’m on stage. The thought of becoming someone different just thrilled me. When the lights come on and I’m in character, something happens. I really want to be on Broadway. I remember when the acting bug had bitten me. I was with my grandmother at the old Sears Roebuck downtown (prior to them turning it into some lofts) and we were in line. I remember I was young. Maybe like six or seven years old. I doubt I was even that old. Well anyway, I had this girl’s attention. She was younger than I was. I think that she was three. I started performing for her. I was just acting out characters that I saw on Saturday morning cartoons. I think Bugs Bunny was one. When I was done, she had kissed me on the nose. I knew then acting was what I wanted to do. I enjoyed bringing entertainment to others. (This might be why my personality is what it is) I did express what I wanted to do much later on in life to my mom and step-dad, and they were less than supportive of that, so I gave it up. If I had continued I could be on the big and small screen as well as on stage—who knows? Back to the dream.
I told my supervisor that I really would love to do that, but as of right now, I’m scared. I informed her that I have a great thing going on here. I have a career that I love, I’m stable—what do I look like throwing that all away on a whim of a dream; a dream that may not come true. She had no sagely advice for me. She didn’t go with the whole “Follow your heart,” “Chase your dream” routine. She simply listened and let me realize something on my own. That I am standing in my own way. This is something that I realize.
I’m afraid to take chances even though I advise everyone else to do just that. I am a believer that you have one life to live, so live it up to the fullest. My problem: I don’t take my own advice. I do have a fear. It’s one greater than a personal one that I refuse to share, but that fear is failure. I am deathly afraid to fail. Some say that failure is simply not trying. I may concede to that—may. I’m not quite sure yet. So maybe with me blogging, doing the radio show, doing YouTube again, I might get some recognition. I might not. Who knows? Maybe if a tape of me sucking dick leaks I could be the next Kim Kardashian. I would just have to make sure that the dick is attached to someone remotely famous. But that’s another story. Never mind, anyway. I wonder when I will start taking my own advice. When will I just get over the paralyzing fear of it might not, and think that it may be? I don’t know.
Don’t be like me… thirty and attempting to catch my second wind. Do what you want. Do what makes you happy. Go and find your dream and then make it a reality. I plan on doing so, slowly—very slowly, but surely. J
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Hey everyone. I know it's been a while, and I apologize for it. I'm just doing a quick post to let you know that I will be back on the blogs and I will try my best to update on a weekly basis. Maybe Wednesdays. I've also decided to restart my internet radio show, as well as my YouTube channel. So, yeah, I'm planning on having some things in the works. I was actually so excited about it that I could barely get to sleep. I was thinking about the redesigns for the blog, revamping the radio show etc. Let's just hope that I continue with the creative energy and flow and bring things to you guys that matter and / or intrigues.
Anyway, I 'm at work so I better get off of here and get to it.
Y'all have a great day.
(In case y'all forgot what I looked like)
Anyway, I 'm at work so I better get off of here and get to it.
Y'all have a great day.
(In case y'all forgot what I looked like)
Saturday, December 13, 2014
I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Well, not the happy self. I just go home, get in the bed and sleep. People at work have noticed a change in me. They noticed that I'm not my perky happy self. This I contribute to the medication. (Seroquel 150 MG) Even that's not helping. I have noticed something about myself: I am or at least I could be a horrible person at times. Instead of me being genuinely happy for people, at times I get jealous. Like seriously jealous, and that's not cool. There are certain things that I want in life, and some of those are a bit out of my reach and out of my control, but I still want it anyway. However, I see others with it and I'm like... "Really?" Then there are those that keep saying, "Wait your turn, it's not your season yet..." Blah blah blah. I don't wanna hear that! I am kind of getting tired of waiting.
I kinda think that the holidays have triggered my depression, which is weird because it never has before. Up until recently, I was always good about managing my depression but it seems as of late, it is getting more and more serious. It's getting to the point to where I think about hurting myself and others. I don't, but I think about it. I just hope it doesn't get to to the point to where I act out on it. There have been times. I showed all the symptoms, but I didn't go through with it. I never do. As much as I could and do hate my life at times, I just don't see me taking it. Oh, how I want to though. Sometimes I think, It would be nothing to just go and swallow a whole bottle of pills and slip away. I really doubt very much that I'd be missed. I seriously do. Hell, it's not as though I'm checked up on anyway. I may get the occasional text here or there, but no one would miss me.
I kinda expressed the way that I was feeling Thursday at work and realized that I was semi valued. I can be a great friend at times and listen to others when they have problems. I just can't bring myself to do the same. I feel like people have their own issues, so why should I bother them with mine. And I also think, my issues aren't important, and there are people going through worse crap than my mediocre whining about being single and not having kids. That's what I really want, you know? I have everything else that I want, it's just the familial aspect of my life that is lacking. People are having kids that they don't want, don't need, in relationships and have multiple people still sniffing around, and here I am single and "barren" for a lack of a better term.
Maybe this is all for the better. I'm clearly unhinged. Not stable enough. I should never be around children by myself. I'm laughing at myself as I type that. That's one thing I could never do is hurt a child. They'll be hurt by the world soon enough. There's a lot of things that I've decided to give up on. Myself was one, but I'm slightly over that. I have decided on giving up on having a family of my own. I'm getting old. Plus some things are in the cards, and some are not. This just happens to be something that's not. I'm coming to terms with it every passing day. Some shit you just have to accept. Some truths you have to face; no matter how ugly, painful or depressing it may be. I know my truth now.I am meant to be alone. To be there for everyone else. I wasn't born to be a husband and a father. That's my truth that I'm beginning to accept. You know, I thought that getting this out would make me feel worse (as it has in the past 'cause it was like I was dwelling on it or whatever) but I actually feel better. Maybe it's the drugs. (Even though I theink they're starting to wear off.) I don't know. I do know that I feel better though. Like a weight is being lifted.
I think this is the most honest I've ever been in my entire life. I normally just hint or touch on my depression, but never truly express the way I feel. Getting everything out in the open. Now let's take this shit one day at a time and hope I don't check out. :)
Thanks for listening.