How The Fuck Did I End Up Here?

I'm happy, yet hurting. I'm in the best place I've ever been and yet Im melancholy as Hell. I'm the happiest I've been in a while yet I hate my motherfucking life.

Goddamn it. How the fuck did I wind up here? I was in such a happy place. I was focusing on myself and my career which is blossoming and finally fully felt free. I didn't need anything or anyone. However recently, I feel that something is missing. A real big part is missing and while I've tried talking myself into believing that I don't need it, I realize that I'm lying to myself. I want and need someone with me but I refuse to allow myself to entertain that notion.

I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I don't need a relationship or need anyone to feel complete or to feel like a fucking human being but it's just not working. I try to keep my mind off of it because I know how I can be when I sit and think about things like this. Then my depression triggers and everything goes to shit.
I really don't have friends that I can go out and do the things I want to do with. I feel like I really can't be myself around them one in particular because my "lifestyle" disgusts them. So how the hell can I talk to them about the things that I really want to share?

I have my journal that I write in when things get really bad and of course I talk to God on occasions (and that has to get better) but sometimes it's nice to hear a vocal response.

Sometimes it's nice to come home to someone who has their arms open to just hold me. Someone that I could just vent to or just bury my face in their chest and release all the emotions that I normally cannot.
I was doing fine.

How the fuck did I wind up here?

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