Self Realization
As you may or may not know, I am currently attempting to pen my first novel. Pretty much the story is loosely based off of me and a former co-worker and how I would have liked for things to go. I have been carrying around a torch for this guy for two years. One of my former coworkers who knew about my crush on him asked me what is it about him that just draws me in. I thought I knew, however, it wasn't until I having a discussion about my book/him that a light finally clicked.
I've often thought of myself as a hater. A hater of animals, people, love etc. and for the most part, I've held true to that belief and/or characteristic; but last night, my coworker put everything into perspective for me. After hearing about his personality and the things he does and seeing my facial expressions and the things that I've done in the past, she realized that this wasn't just a clear cut case of me wanting what I cannot have. She stated that I was a nurturer. I'm attracted to this former co-worker, and have carried this flame for him, and wanted to be with him so badly because I wanted/needed to take care him. When she said this, it was as if a light bulb went off.
She was absolutely right. He is so child-like, which is one of the things that I love about him, and he seems as though he needs someone to take care of him. I'm the type that like to be needed. I like taking care of things and people. (depending on the thing and the person of course) Looking back on everyone I really REALLY liked, I would have to say I agree. I've carried this thing for him out of some drive to take care of, protect, and provide for him. Almost parentally but not quite. I've displayed this type of behavior with men in the past. Unfortunately, it's gotten me no where and nothing exploited.
Seeing as how I'm just now realizing this about myself and also that this could be the underlying cause of my obsession for him, could this be the start of me letting what feelings I do have for him go? Can the hold that I refuse to relinquish finally be broken? He could never be mine anyway. He's straight, and married. The married part I can overlook, I've been with married men before. That's nothing new, but in my dark, twisted crazed fantasy mind, could this be the key? Funny how when you think you know everything you come to the realization that you didn't know a damn thing at all...
Hasta.
I've often thought of myself as a hater. A hater of animals, people, love etc. and for the most part, I've held true to that belief and/or characteristic; but last night, my coworker put everything into perspective for me. After hearing about his personality and the things he does and seeing my facial expressions and the things that I've done in the past, she realized that this wasn't just a clear cut case of me wanting what I cannot have. She stated that I was a nurturer. I'm attracted to this former co-worker, and have carried this flame for him, and wanted to be with him so badly because I wanted/needed to take care him. When she said this, it was as if a light bulb went off.
She was absolutely right. He is so child-like, which is one of the things that I love about him, and he seems as though he needs someone to take care of him. I'm the type that like to be needed. I like taking care of things and people. (depending on the thing and the person of course) Looking back on everyone I really REALLY liked, I would have to say I agree. I've carried this thing for him out of some drive to take care of, protect, and provide for him. Almost parentally but not quite. I've displayed this type of behavior with men in the past. Unfortunately, it's gotten me no where and nothing exploited.
Seeing as how I'm just now realizing this about myself and also that this could be the underlying cause of my obsession for him, could this be the start of me letting what feelings I do have for him go? Can the hold that I refuse to relinquish finally be broken? He could never be mine anyway. He's straight, and married. The married part I can overlook, I've been with married men before. That's nothing new, but in my dark, twisted crazed fantasy mind, could this be the key? Funny how when you think you know everything you come to the realization that you didn't know a damn thing at all...
Hasta.
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